for the emptiness of war remains…

I got sick. Thankfully not Covid. I was coughing and hacking with a temperature. The temperature subsided but the cough has hung around. In more normal times I would have gone back to work. Suddenly however I thought about what those around me would think as I coughed and sneezed. So I stayed home.

But the guilt.

Am I malingering?

What will they think of me?

They depend on me?

How messed up a world when you are not allowed to take care of yourself!

So I sat here yesterday and felt guilty watching the war slowly unfold until I gave up and binged the Resident Evil series of movies. Alice taking on the corporations.

It’s 7:30 a.m. and most everyone has either gone to work or school or some combination, Ben will come over soon to shower and head out to school and I’ll be sat here again with my guilt and confusion at being sat home sick(?) the question keeps coming up “how sick am I?”

As if I have to justify this.

So I put Mark Hollis on the record player and sat still. Its a record that demands attention.

It’s a beautiful album and if it was to be a final statement then it’s all here. Passion, compassion and brilliance.

I was thinking what a loss when he stopped recording. Then I realized that it was really a gain for his family. How often do we do the right thing? Our work says they can’t do without us so we sacrifice, health, relationships and our own well being to be “productive” at work instead of in our life.

Don’t care what the others might say. As far as I’m concerned they can all fall apart and fade away…

So for the last few weeks as the world collapses around us I’ve been attracted to two types of music.

The melancholic and the psychedelic.

This was after my brief foray into the world of hard rock for the weekend.

I think the melancholic and psychedelic has been on one side a natural reaction to the state of the world in the melancholic and the attempt to escape into my own little headspace in the whimsy of psychedelic.

I passed outrage sometime in 2018 on my way to plain old rage. Then I had a moment of sanity that has been interrupted into a modicum of acceptance of the sheer fucked upedness of the world. This is the way it is the weak strong men are going to rant and drool, the creek will rise, the ice will melt, the people will suffer and somewhere someone hopefully will decide it’s a nice day for a sulk or at least it could have been a brilliant career.

The other hits this week.

There have been others but this has been where my head has been when the 24hour news cycle played.

Or as Roy Harper said at the start of one of the many oil wars.

“Left right, left right, the war came home by satellite.”

Hopefully sanity returns.